BUILDING AND PRESERVING RELATIONSHIPS

My column in Lebanon newspaper October 14, 2016

When you are a columnist and you are  coming up against a deadline and all the wells of thought seem to be going dry, you tend to latch onto any chance remark that might replenish the seedbed somewhat.  Such was the case this week.  I had been, since a week ago Saturday, fully involved in a very tedious process of catching up on financial records and other filing on which I tend to procrastinate until pushed to the very limit, and I had lost track of where I was in the week, even to the point of forgetting what day it was.

So when Ken York, the patient editor of this newspaper, picked up on a remark from my column last Saturday about becoming friends with Sarah Overstreet after several years of rivalry when we were both writing for the Springfield newspaper, I was grateful for the opportunity to visit the concept that when you get to know somebody, instead of just knowing about them, it opens up a whole new world.

Many of you News-Leader readers here in Lebanon will remember Sarah as a very popular columnist for that newspaper.  I know because I worked out in the public at the time and her columns were often a matter of conversation on the days they appeared.

It was several years after I quit writing there that I finally had an opportunity to get acquainted with Sarah.  Shortly after I moved back to Lebanon from my pastoral ministry in Farmington, I became interested in the case of a woman doctor from Versailles who was being held in the Laclede County jail. That is a whole different story which also might make a good column someday but for now I want to finish my story about Sarah.

I was sitting in the lobby of the jail one day waiting for my visitation time with the doctor when another woman walked in and I recognized Sarah from her picture in the paper.  I approached her and introduced myself and we ended up going to lunch that day with some other women from Springfield who were also advocating for the doctor’s release.    That was the beginning of a strong friendship.

Once we got to know each other, we had a whole different relationship and I have found this to be true over and over again.  The etymology of the word “prejudice” makes this very plain. It does not have to do with race or color or gender, or profession or education, or any other physical or mental attribute.   It simply means to pre-judge without knowing, and all our prejudices come about  because we have pre-judged someone.  We don’t like them because we don’t know anything about them.

I have learned something else about relationships over my seven decades of life - it is entirely possible to have a deep friendship with someone even when you don’t agree with them on a lot of  things.  Back in the day when two men living together were just room mates and nothing else, one of my favorite TV shows was “The Odd Couple”.  Tony Randall and Jack Klugman epitomized the idea that two people could get along in the same house even when they were as different as night and day.

Many marriages, including my own, are living proof that opposites attract.  My husband is softspoken, quiet, reserved and very private.  I have just the opposite personality traits.   Yet we are still happy together after almost 53 years of marriage.

Probably the most modern Odd Couple relationship was that of Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia (now deceased) and Ruth Ginsburg.  Their close friendship, along  with their respective spouses, was an enigma to  the friends in their social circles in Washington, D.C.  Their  relationship was built on the things they both enjoyed, the opera and good food, and respect for their intellectual genius.

Which brings me to the third point I  wanted to make.  The ability to converse and informally debate any controversial issue, to agree to disagree, to enjoy time spent in repartee, always enhances any relationship.  

As Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, said in Proverbs 27:17:  “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  The most enjoyable times I have had have been those times with my colleagues as we sat together and dissected every topic we could think of especially things on which we disagreed.  Sometimes it was with other insurance agents and financial advisers when I worked for New York Life.   Even more fascinating to me as a pastor were the many hours spent in somebody’s home after church, over pie and coffee, discussing the Bible and the meaning of life in general.

Now, although I am confined to my home and unable to get out in the public arena, there is still Facebook where my friends and I discuss politics and current events.

Whatever the subject, I refuse to argue about anything.  There would be plenty to argue about if I wanted to do it.  Just being a conservative pro-life woman is controversial in itself.  But when you throw in the fact that I am a woman ordained to ministry and have served as senior pastor in several churches, that opens up all sorts of possibilities.  

But no one ever gains by argument or confrontation.  It only entrenches more deeply the beliefs already held and usually ends in hurt feelings or even the loss of the friendship.  I will discuss almost anything with anybody as long as the discussion is consensual and we all have an open mind and are willing to listen to other viewpoints.

So to pull this all together, it is important we remember that if we pre-judge someone on any matter before we get to know them, we are crushing any opportunity to have a relationship with them, and thereby may be missing out on one of the most important things in life - friendship based on understanding, intellect, and appreciation of diversity.